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FESTIVAL GUIDE
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A GUIDE TO SURVIVING
FESTIVAL SEASON 2015
Festival season is upon us.
I don’t like to brag but from Glastonbury to Rock in Rio, Musilac to Best Kept Secret, Benicassim to the almighty Rock Werchter, I consider myself well versed in the art of music festivals.
‘Well versed’ but not an expert, mind you. No one can ever truly profess to know everything about festivals, as no two are alike. Some are unforgivingly intense, some more substance-orientated and others can be chilled, even spiritual. Furthermore, certain line-ups and locations will attract different crowds from different countries.
What is for sure is that while each has its own identity and ethos, there is a common festival etiquette, a series of do’s and don’ts that apply regardless of where you decide to go.
So whether you’re a seasoned festival follower, a virginal newbie or just plain curious, here’s the lowdown of these unwritten rules. Here’s hoping they’ll help to maximize enjoyment and ensure that your musical escapade doesn’t turn into a desperate Darwinian struggle for survival.
Let’s start with the positive...
THE TOP 10 DO'S
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do...
* PLAY NICE
This is the cardinal rule, otherwise known as the ‘Don’t Be A Dick’ clause, one which can encompass many of the following ‘do’s’ on this list. It’s worth keeping in mind that everyone has paid for their ticket (festivals aren’t cheap) and wants to have a great time. Therefore, be respectful and friendly to your fellow festival goer. Smile, share stories, buy each other drinks and never be shy to give a cheeky hug. As Kumbaya as it may sound, festivals are about community as well as the music.
* GET UP EARLY
The early bird rule. Wake up early – festivals are not about catching up on your beauty sleep. Waking up at stupid o’clock will allow you to get properly prepared and will ensure you avoid queuing hours for the communal showers and the bathrooms in the mornings. All seasoned festival goers will understand the struggle.
Speaking of bathrooms...
Speaking of bathrooms...
* LOWER YOUR HYGENE STANDARDS
Some festivals are better than others but always remind yourself that you’re not going to Club Med: the portaloos are more likely to be rows of shit-filled coffins rather than pristinely clean washrooms. So, when it comes to Number 2, either: a) get there early, as the toilets are usually cleaned first thing in the mornings; b) train your sphincters and hold it in or; c) make your peace with the fact there’ll be a stampede of unpleasant smells and sights that will gangbang your nostrils and assault your retinas.
Regarding showers, many believe that they are futile, considering the sweat and smoke you’ll be confronted with on a constant basis during the day. Again, either bother waking up early or don’t bother at all. The second option will see you embracing the festival spirit and will ensure the next proper shower you have once home is better than sex. Unfortunately, this option also doesn’t favour random festival hook-ups. No one likes a bad case of what my friend Lauren dubs “festival fanny and festival weeney”.
The solution? Festivals will introduce you to the joys of the morning baby wipe bath. Wet wipes are ESSENTIAL and are frequently used when the facilities are less than desirable or when you just can’t be arsed to queue. Make no mistake - they will save your life.
Regarding showers, many believe that they are futile, considering the sweat and smoke you’ll be confronted with on a constant basis during the day. Again, either bother waking up early or don’t bother at all. The second option will see you embracing the festival spirit and will ensure the next proper shower you have once home is better than sex. Unfortunately, this option also doesn’t favour random festival hook-ups. No one likes a bad case of what my friend Lauren dubs “festival fanny and festival weeney”.
The solution? Festivals will introduce you to the joys of the morning baby wipe bath. Wet wipes are ESSENTIAL and are frequently used when the facilities are less than desirable or when you just can’t be arsed to queue. Make no mistake - they will save your life.
* WEAR PROTECTION
If you’re lucky, the sun will grace you with its presence and sunburns are a pain in the proverbial.
Therefore: bring sun cream and lather up – your body will thank you.
If you’re lucky, you might find yourself front stage for some sets. However, nothing insures that the sound systems and levels will be balanced.
Therefore: ear plugs might be of use.
Lastly, if you’re extra lucky (and you’ve showered that day), you might actually Daft Punk it.
Therefore: bring prophylactics – no glove, no love.
So, whether it’s the sun, your ears or late night frolics, wear protection.
Therefore: bring sun cream and lather up – your body will thank you.
If you’re lucky, you might find yourself front stage for some sets. However, nothing insures that the sound systems and levels will be balanced.
Therefore: ear plugs might be of use.
Lastly, if you’re extra lucky (and you’ve showered that day), you might actually Daft Punk it.
Therefore: bring prophylactics – no glove, no love.
So, whether it’s the sun, your ears or late night frolics, wear protection.
* EAT AND DRINK
Festivals are fun but can be physically and mentally exhausting. You’ll be on your lallies most of the day, dancing, jumping, singing... Also, camping doesn’t imply a decent sleep... Thus, stay hydrated because if there’s one thing we know, it’s that sun + lack of fluids = the technicolour yawn. Don’t be quick to dismiss your blood sugar levels and don’t be too tempted by the cheap alcohol on the first day – that hangover is reserved for the return trip home.
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* SCHEDULE
Know the schedule and do some necessary highlighting so you don’t miss anything you’ll regret. It’s a pain but festival line-ups imply clashes – you’ll have to make some choices, some more maddening than others. Since you sadly can’t see every act, try to plan ahead and bear in mind that you might have to miss out on a set if you’re ideally placed for an upcoming one...
That being said, don’t set everything in stone – see the next ‘do’...
That being said, don’t set everything in stone – see the next ‘do’...
* TAKE CHANCES
Part of the beauty of going to a music festival is discovering new acts. Don’t prejudge or avoid because you don’t know the band - keep your mind and ears open because there’s nothing quite like blindly wandering towards a stage or tent and leaving with your mind blown.
So, take risks and don’t hesitate to try something new every day, musical or other - a largely anonymous festival is ideal for this.
So, take risks and don’t hesitate to try something new every day, musical or other - a largely anonymous festival is ideal for this.
* HIT THE MERCHANDISE EARLY
If you’re a merch fiend like yours truly, don’t wait until the last minute to purchase. Otherwise, you’ll find yourself crying bitter tears of disappointment on the last day when the stalls have been gutted... So, find out when things shut and don’t hesitate to stock up on goodies.
* LEAVE THE GROUNDS LIKE YOU FOUND THEM
Throw away your trash – there's no excuse for littering.
* HAVE A CHECKLIST
As much as one hates to admit it, a checklist is always handy before going anywhere. Here are the essentials:
Lastly, a solid tip regarding camping: depending on where the camping grounds are, try to always pick higher ground. Lowlands will be the first flooded if the weather doesn’t hold up.
And now, onto the no-nos...
- YOUR TICKETS
- Some cash
- Proof of identity
- A decent tent
- A comfortable mattress, inflatable if possible
- A warm hoodie – those summer nights can get cold
- A towel if you’re thinking of showering
- A ton of wet wipes – this is non-negotiable
- Toilet paper – always leave with a roll
- Toothbrush and toothpaste
- Deodorant... and plenty of it
- Sun lotion, a hat and sunglasses
- Prophylactics
- Hand sanitizer
- A portable charger for phone – there are charging stations at a lot of festivals but they’re always packed
- A bottle opener
- A flashlight, unless you want to play ‘where’s my tent?’ all night
- Rubbish bags, which will come in handy for packing up
- Wellies if you’re expecting mud
Lastly, a solid tip regarding camping: depending on where the camping grounds are, try to always pick higher ground. Lowlands will be the first flooded if the weather doesn’t hold up.
And now, onto the no-nos...
THE TOP 10 DON'TS
DON'T...
* BITCH AND WHINE
The cardinal don’t. Not a fan of loud noises, sleep deprivation, impromptu moshpits, secondhand smoke, hippies with bongos or random physical contact? Then don’t go to a music festival, you moaning sadsack.
If you meet one of these unamused-looking people with a mug like a frog’s cum face, stay well away.
Other people to avoid include: the Made in Chelsea gals, the blokes who have ‘pussy destroyer’ on their hoodies, the try-hard who thinks the band is singing about him / her in every song and anyone with YOLO written on their face.
YOLO? Yeah, let’s bloody hope so.
If you meet one of these unamused-looking people with a mug like a frog’s cum face, stay well away.
Other people to avoid include: the Made in Chelsea gals, the blokes who have ‘pussy destroyer’ on their hoodies, the try-hard who thinks the band is singing about him / her in every song and anyone with YOLO written on their face.
YOLO? Yeah, let’s bloody hope so.
* PACK TOO MUCH
This applies to clothes, money (a lot of festivals now have a token or chargeable chip system nowadays) and expensive accessories. You’ll feel like a right prat if your stuff gets stolen so, as general rule, don’t bring anything you’re not willing to sacrifice to the festival gods.
* DRESS INAPPROPRIATELY
This is a key point.
Beyond the fact that wearing flip flops or sandals, no matter how hot it gets, is a rookie mistake, make sure you don’t overdo it style-wise. It seems people have forgotten that the deciding factor for what you wear should be the weather.
Of late, a certain trend has become a proper nuisance: ‘festival fashion’. You’ll have probably seen posts on Instagram of boho girls emulating Cara Delevingne at high-profile festival Coachella. They look like this:
Beyond the fact that wearing flip flops or sandals, no matter how hot it gets, is a rookie mistake, make sure you don’t overdo it style-wise. It seems people have forgotten that the deciding factor for what you wear should be the weather.
Of late, a certain trend has become a proper nuisance: ‘festival fashion’. You’ll have probably seen posts on Instagram of boho girls emulating Cara Delevingne at high-profile festival Coachella. They look like this:
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These attention-seeking attendees only seem to be interested in looking pointlessly glamorous and are too busy trying to look hot as opposed to spontaneously having fun and experiencing live music. Fashion is great but music festivals are the ideal places to leave your self-consciousness behind.
Don’t be fooled by the marketing, the glossy magazine covers and the “best style looks of 2015” blogs, showing gorgeous people who look flawless after 3 or 4 days of gigs. This is a myth, perpetuated by vapid, Vogue-obsessed spoilt brats who are only there to preen, pout and post pictures.
The truth is no one cares. No one is silently judging you, because everyone’s in the same boat. A lot of your clothes will get wrecked and no one comes to festivals to pick up style tips.
Have fun, by all means wear what you want but don’t mistake festivals for catwalks. Bring items of clothing with good pocket capacity, shoes that are slightly worn out and enjoy looking good but never to the expense of practicality and comfort.
Don’t be fooled by the marketing, the glossy magazine covers and the “best style looks of 2015” blogs, showing gorgeous people who look flawless after 3 or 4 days of gigs. This is a myth, perpetuated by vapid, Vogue-obsessed spoilt brats who are only there to preen, pout and post pictures.
The truth is no one cares. No one is silently judging you, because everyone’s in the same boat. A lot of your clothes will get wrecked and no one comes to festivals to pick up style tips.
Have fun, by all means wear what you want but don’t mistake festivals for catwalks. Bring items of clothing with good pocket capacity, shoes that are slightly worn out and enjoy looking good but never to the expense of practicality and comfort.
* GET TECH SAVVY
Remember when we had hands instead of smartphones?
Oh no wait, that’s not for a while yet...
Phew. Therefore, please please please don’t film, selfie, Facebook, Instagram, Tweet everything you see. Part of the festival experience is actually living the moment, as opposed to wilfully distancing yourself from it by putting a screen between you and the action.
A few cheeky snaps are fine and dandy; filming an entire gig on your bell-end portable device by holding it up above your bell-end head, thereby obscuring the sightlines of everyone behind you, should be legally punishable by death.
Don’t fool yourself- you’re not doing it to share; you’re pathetically bragging to stroke your fragile ego and to make others envious. Sadly, your mates and just about everyone else realize that if you’re busy logging on and posting pics or status updates (#besttimeevaaa!!!), you’re not actually living the festival experience.
No one gives a tiny rat’s scrotum how much fun you’re pretending to have. So, carpe moment and stop worrying about how many likes you’ll get, you preening narcissist.
Speaking of preening narcissists...
Oh no wait, that’s not for a while yet...
Phew. Therefore, please please please don’t film, selfie, Facebook, Instagram, Tweet everything you see. Part of the festival experience is actually living the moment, as opposed to wilfully distancing yourself from it by putting a screen between you and the action.
A few cheeky snaps are fine and dandy; filming an entire gig on your bell-end portable device by holding it up above your bell-end head, thereby obscuring the sightlines of everyone behind you, should be legally punishable by death.
Don’t fool yourself- you’re not doing it to share; you’re pathetically bragging to stroke your fragile ego and to make others envious. Sadly, your mates and just about everyone else realize that if you’re busy logging on and posting pics or status updates (#besttimeevaaa!!!), you’re not actually living the festival experience.
No one gives a tiny rat’s scrotum how much fun you’re pretending to have. So, carpe moment and stop worrying about how many likes you’ll get, you preening narcissist.
Speaking of preening narcissists...
* BRING A SELFIE STICK
While this falls under the previous technology ‘don’t’, I cannot stress this enough. Unless you’ve completely given up on life, don’t bring an idiotpole.
If you do... I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a long festival-going career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I will look for you, I will find you and I will impale you on your narcissistick.
If you do... I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a long festival-going career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. I will look for you, I will find you and I will impale you on your narcissistick.
* SHOW OFF
This isn’t a talent show and there are no scouts looking out for the next big thing. So, mellow out and keep your rehearsed elaborate dance moves to yourself.
* BUTT IN FRONT OF PEOPLE
I have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a long festival going career. Skills that...
* STAY PUT
Don’t be that person who literally sets up camp in front of the main stage for the whole day, with your chair and cooler. Just don’t.
On a reduced scale, if you decide to stay put through a band you’re not too fond of in order to get a good spot for the following band, join in anyway – don’t ruin it for others by sulking. Yes, 30 Seconds To Mars aren’t my idea of fun, but you might as well make the most of it. Who knows? You might be surprised.
On a reduced scale, if you decide to stay put through a band you’re not too fond of in order to get a good spot for the following band, join in anyway – don’t ruin it for others by sulking. Yes, 30 Seconds To Mars aren’t my idea of fun, but you might as well make the most of it. Who knows? You might be surprised.
* FORGET THE IKEA RULE
If you lose your mates and can’t get a hold of them, or if you just want to take a breather, don’t forget to set up a meeting spot. Failure to do this will result in you wandering around like a lost child in one of Sweden’s greatest exports.
* IGNORE PEOPLE
This last ‘don’t’ loops the loop, harking back to the first cardinal ‘do’. If someone’s having a bad time or gets hurt, don’t go about your business. Have some moral decorum, put your beverage down and help them. It’s all about having a good time.
There you have it.
One last tip, just for the hell of it - pick your festival wisely. Dare to try new ones, less known ones and don’t live under the misapprehension that Glasto is the greatest festival on Earth – it’s fun but many mainland European festivals trump it, with the similar line-ups, friendlier crowds, better weather and cleaner grounds.
Happy festival-going and make the most of it.
- D - 03/06/15